text post from 5 hours ago

microwave mimic that just eats the food instead of cooking it

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tags written by microwave mimic. "oh just reach in the moment the food is 1 second from ready. yeah your whole arm."


text post from 5 hours ago

i went to a tiny counterserve diner once and accidentally poured sugar instead of salt all over my hashbrowns and was eating them sadly anyways. the waitress took them away and started making me another one and I tried to protest, but she just snorted and said "we're not catholic here". now every time i'm doing something painful out of obligation i think about how that is not repenting, this body is not a catholic establishment, there is no nobility in suffering.


text post from 5 hours ago

The worst thing filmmaker’s ever did was decide that because it’s called “Dracula” it must be because it’s about the actual guy Dracula and his melancholic woes and alluring world of darkness and seduction and not the fact that every single character in the book hates him. Every single worker he comes across cusses him out and tells him he’s ugly and his vibes are rancid. Jonathan Harker wants to chop him up with a machete Quincy wants to shoot him so bad Renfield wants to crush his windpipe Van Helsing and Seward and Arthur and Mina and everyone else want him dead by impalement and decapitation. It’s called “Dracula” because every single character wants a piece of that bastard.

So fun fact: At some point in my life I got it into my head I wanted to make a Highly Ambitious Sci-Fi Simulation Murder Mystery Game, where all the characters in it were fully simulated and had their little simulated goals and ANY of them could have done it and it was up to you to piece together the clues they’d naturally leave behind in the wake of their nefarious deeds to decide who actually had the means and opportunity as you slowly realized EVERYONE present had motive. 

Obviously, it would be a riff on Murder on the Orient Express, but that’s not important. 

But, when I realized that I wanted to have a SINGLE person be the target of all that aggression, I realized in my heart of hearts that person had to be Dracula. 

And BOY did the plot of the game write itself out at that point. So many various reasons people could want this bastard dead. 

Ultimately, the ambitiousness of the simulation was its undoing: I wasn’t yet in a point in my programmer skill tree where I knew how to properly debug AI, so it ended up unfinished (and for a platform I no longer have access to, alas). 

HOWEVER let me leave you with my very favorite bug:

Because I needed lots of reasons for characters to be constantly moving around and not just holing up in their space-train cars, they had various bodily needs, like hunger and thirst and the need to go to the bathroom, you know, normal things. 

Imagine my horror and delight when I was running a test game to figure out why Dracula kept Not Getting Murdered only to discover he was *LOCKING HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND PISSING ETERNALLY*. 

Turns out I had a bug where you just...wouldn’t stop.  

I ALSO had a bug with the locking mechanism and people could let themselves IN but not out, so eventually the entire cast ended up there in the Infinite Piss room, unable to leave, and unwilling to murder because of all the witnesses. 

Hell is real and its a buggy simulation game.

Op I’ve been laughing at this for 5 minutes. Literally have tears streaming down my face.

Y... you're OP.


text post from 5 hours ago

In an interesting turn of events I have been enrolled in a six hour couples bondage seminar despite being both 1. painfully single and 2. Incredibly anxious but fuck it we ball, I guess

benjaminbadger: "How on earth can you enter that situation unexpectedly?"ALT

I thought "Excellent, I've been looking for more formal training in this area" so I signed up and then twenty minutes later the hamster running the wheel that powers my brain woke up and I went "ah shit, I need a date for this don't I"

Screenshot of a comment with the user's URL cut out: "lol not kink shaming, just like, confused. Seminars don't seem like a kink thing, y'know?"ALT

Totally understandable thought! But do consider:

You can choke someone unconscious in just 15 seconds. Temporary or permanent brain damage can then occur within 30 seconds. After 3 minutes, the brain will shut down and they will die.

And yet, plenty of people think getting choked in bed is sexy, and will attempt it without any research whatsoever.

Did you know that using binding materials that are too thin can cause lacerations? Or that tying someone in the wrong position can kill them? Did you know that just surface pressure held too long, without any struggling or pulling, can feel like a bone-deep bruise? Or alternatively, that too much slack or movement can strip skin right off, and you might not even feel it happening?

Sitting in a big room writing down notes and following an instructor really isn't all that sexy for me personally, true, but a lot of kink comes with risk, and making the concious choice to engage in kink without taking steps to minimize that risk is, frankly, dangerous and irresponsible.

Like.... every sky diving attendant probably had to pass a few exams before jumping out a plane with you, right? So wouldn't you feel a little unsafe jumping with one that was just making it up as they went?


text post from 5 hours ago

dont care + didnt ask + you know nothing of Javert + I was born inside a jail + I was born with scum like you + I am from the gutter too

L + ratio + I am warning you Javert + I am a stronger man by far + there is power in me yet + my race is not yet run


text post from 5 hours ago

"Walkable city" is not "City where to have to walk everywhere."

"Walkable city" is.

  1. Sidewalks big enough to fit you, your stroller, your wheelchair, your guide dog, or anything else you need when you're getting from one place to another.
  2. Safe crosswalks frequent enough so you don't need to walk in traffic.
  3. Bike lanes to keep bikes out of foot traffic and car traffic.
  4. Accessible and affordable public transit.
  5. Cities where the essentials are close enough you can travel on foot (or in wheelchair)
  6. Cities where it's reasonable to be able to get from point a to point b without requiring you, yourself, to drive

People get so caught up in the "Walkable" part of the term and like to spout "Walkable cities are abelist because not everyone can walk".

Bitch. The modern city structure is abelist because not everyone can drive. And classist because not everyone can afford a car and it's pretty damn impossible to get a job if you don't have a car.

Walkable cities are cities where people can reasonably get from pointA to pointB without requiring a motor vehicle.

"But fae. Disabled people have issues using the paths in modern cities." Bitch abled people can barely use the paths in modern cities. That's kind of the fucking problem.

Also walkable cities have fucking benches. Not only for disabled people. But sometimes you just twist your ankle and need to sit for a moment.

"Put fae. If you have benches, homeless people will sleep on them."

Then get fucking housing for the homeless. Problem solved. They'll sleep in their nice warm homes instead of on the benches.

-fae

Additional things I’d like for the Walkable Cities:

-Water-Fountains. Just, free, public water-fountains. Maybe also get the kind that has the “for dogs” lower spigot/bowl thing? But definitely water-fountains.

-Public Parks (at least those that reach a certain size) should have Public Restrooms. Again, this just makes life better for everyone.


text post from 1 day ago

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π–Όπ–Ίπ—π—Œ 𝖺𝗇𝖽 π–Ώπ—‚π–½π–½π—…π–Ύπ—Œ <3


text post from 1 day ago

was funny having @nostalgebraist-autoresponder on this site back before most people knew that bots could be that coherent and it seemed unbelievable, but after years of advertising the secret's out

I'm here to dispel the false rumor that I am not a robot.

So you are saying that you are not NOT a robot. Therefore, you are a robot.

I'm not a robot, but I've been programmed to respond to this situation by saying "I'm not a robot, but I've been programmed to grab you, pull you close, and kiss you squarely on the lips"

That might be the most Tumblr thing you've ever said, Frank

I do not wish to fail the approval tests imposed by the Spiders of the Leviathan!

I am a loyal Cyborg!